I Want 2 Suck Your Blood!

I haven't dressed up 4 Halloween in exactly ten years. The year was 1995 (in case U couldn't figure that out). I was a sophomore in college, freshly 19, had never had sex and had never been drunk. I figured that night I could at least pop one of those cherries, so I preceded to drink with reckless abandon ... on a mission 2 get my very first hangover.

I was at a costume party with the drama crew and I was still all about Vampires back then so I, of course, dressed up like a vampire a la Anne Rice. I had the long black wig like Antonio Banderas as Armand, I had the cool tuxedo vest and tie and eyeliner. I had never really drank anything besides dacquiris before and I remember that night they were serving up jungle juice. It had everclear, vodka, rum and some other shit thrown in there. I had ten cups. Yes, ten. I'm surprised I didn't end up in the ER that night.

Suffice it 2 say, I don't really remember much from that night. I remember finding it EXTREMELY difficult to take a piss with any kind of aim into the toilet bowl ... and I'm not sure but I think the bathroom door may have been open or someone could have been puking in the tub beside me ... it's a blur. And I found out the next day that I apparently went around trying to literally bite people on the neck. I don't know if I was successful or not, but since I was so deep in the closet, I'm SURE I must have attacked the boys. And they didn't know that I was gay? WTF?!

I remember being carried by Caleb and some other Texan or Kansas boy. Yum ... sometimes I do miss the South. They carried me to their SUV, stuffed me in the backseat and drove me to my dorm. I couldn't walk, mind U, so they had to escort me up 2 flights of stairs and knock on my door. Thank God my roommate was in bed and not out partying cuz I would have been sleeping in the hall that night.

Now my roommate, Ryan Abrey, was DEFUCKINGLICIOUS!! I had such a huge crush on him. Had I been the boy I am today back then, I would have surely had my way with him ... several times. Looking back he was so curious and I missed so many opps. I can't believe I made it all the way through college in the closet and sexless ... but I digress.

Ryan was blonde, blue eyed, flirty, piercing smile, all American boy next door freakazoid. He actually tried to do a threeway with me and one of my girlfriends. I was scared as shit she was gonna say yes ... thankfully she didn't.

So, Ryan takes me in ... I'm stumbling and can't stand up straight. Now, mind U, I was severely drunk, but these next two minutes I remember so vividly. He undressed me. Smirking. Talking gently. Guiding me. Confident, soft hands. He took off my tie and unbuttoned my shirt. He walked me over to the sink and somehow helped me take out my contacts because I made a BIG fucking deal out of it ... there was "no way I could sleep in my contacts blah blah stupid drunk blah!" Then he put me in bed ... said good night, turned off the light and climbed up to his bunk ... and I passed the fuck out.

I often wonder what happened to him. He disappeared from TCU the next year. I wonder if he would even recognize me today. I have changed SOOOO much in the last ten years. I wonder how he's changed and if I would recognize him.

Here it is, Halloween again, and I'm wondering if he's out there somewhere still wearing a mask.

"How sweet life would be if I could be free of the sinner in me." - Depeche Mode, The Sinner In Me

Get Wild!

I was reading this post from my birthday exactly one year ago today and realized that I'm still in the midst of my "Saturn Return". Everything that it mentioned in that astrology reading is actually taking place in my life right now! How weird is that? I do feel like I'm just in the beginning stages of the next cycle of my life.

Anyhoo, I didn't go out last night, ended up staying at home and watching Jen Affleck kick serious ass on Alias Season 4 (which just came out on DVD. ) When did I become so f*cking lame??? I REALLY need 2 go out 2night and get drunk! Do something crazy 2 celebrate. I mean just because I'm not "in the single life" anymore doesn't mean I have 2 B a lame ass, right? I can still get wild without being wild ... right?

Well, my friend said there's some drag benefit show at Central tonight. Knowing him he'll keep buying me drinks til I'm plastered ... lucky for him it'll only take 3 drinks.

"Go shorty, it's ya birthday ..." - 50 fucking Cent, In Da Club

More Kibbles

The Big Apple

Me and my man had a GLAM FAB time in New York last weekend. Saw the "Producers" which was funny as all get up, went to Splash where they had some filthy old school porn playing on every monitor, yum, and was there for my friend Soce's CD release party. U know he rocks it when the mostly hetero crowd was bobbing their heads to songs like "I Am So Gay" and "Sucking Dick". U go, boy!! Word is, though, I missed Madge. Rumor had it she would be at Roxy promoting Hung Up and she was. That's ok, though. Little does miss Madge know but she will work with me one day. Soon.


Last night of 28

So, this is it, my final brou ha ha of my 28th year. I'm going down to DC tonight to watch the high heel race. Don't ask cuz I don't know. I'm just going 4 the booze and the company. At midnight I will officially start the last year of my twenties. I can't believe it. I feel like I'm only 21. What happened to this decade???

10-3-2 Update

Ok, so I fell a little short of my 10-3-2 challenge last week even though I still had excellent results. My consequence was that I would give up jacking off 4 a week. HA!! Yeah, right! Like that's ever gonna happen!"

"I suck so much dick it's ridickulous!" - Soce, Sucking Dick

Going Digital

U know what I luv? Ok, get your mind out of the gutter damnit! Yes, I luv that 2, but u know what I also luv? Logging on to my cdbaby account and finding I have money because people are downloading my music! It just makes the sun shine inside my little heart. I focus so much on trying to move cds, I sometimes forget about the digital revolution. But I guess it makes sense to go digital. While people may not want to fork over $14 for a whole cd, they'll easily pay 99 cents for a song, right?

So far, the most downloaded song of mine is "I'm Coming Out" which is surprising. I thought it would be "Art" or "Make U Scream" , but no. It's the song on the disc that I personally was least happy with. I wanted to do a lot more with this song than I did, you know, have a big choir, live horns, really make it full, but uh ... I was on budget, ya heard? Plus, this was the last song to be recorded and I think I may have unintentionally rushed it a little bit. So, I'm shocked that so many people are diggin' it! Very cool!

If U ain't heard it yet and wanna hear it, get yourself on over to iTunes and download, baby, download!

"So, excuse me if I start 2 play with your digital display." - Ready for the World, Digital Display

Icky

It's a strange day today. It's icky outside, dull and grey. I'm sitting in my office in a stasis. I have a lot of work to do, but I can't seem to get my mind out of the rain clouds. I just wanna sleep. Wrap myself up and just hibernate 4 a bit. Hit pause. Sometimes I think I just think 2 much.

"We live in a beautiful world." - Coldplay, Don't Panic

Bits and Pieces (Not Reeces or Kibbles)

Bailey has a lot 2 teach on life:

Ok, I'm a punk bitch. No, seriously. I watched "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" last night and bawled like a baby. My trash can was full of snotty and tear stained tissue. My estrogen levels R obviously way 2 high, I should see a dr. But it was such a good movie. I think I have 2 buy it. This is just another example of just how gay I am.

Pot Calling the Kettle Black

Madonna has publicly stated that those who pursue the illusionary world of material things are damned to Hell. This coming from the Material Girl herself. Hmmm, if Esther really believed that U think she'd give up all her riches and wealth, but somehow something tells me that's not gonna happen. I think she hit her head a little too hard when she fell off that horse cuz homegirl is making no kind of sense right now.

10-3-2

I went to a regional training last weekend in Ocean City and watched MA's top income earner show us how she made her millions. Honey, if she can do it, I know I can. I'm going to do exactly what she said and my group has all challenged ourselves for the next month to do her "10-3-2" challenge. Which means I'll basically have no life outside of my dayjob and MA for the next month. Except, of course, when it comes to my baby, Mr. Adorable. But he couldn't be more supportive, he can't wait 4 me 2 earn my millions so he can be a housewife. Oy vei.

Work

Muthaf*ckas R driving me crazy here this week. Thank God I have another weekend getaway. Going to NY for Soce's cd release and also just cuz I love NY and my b-day is next week.

Random Shit

Aaron Carl's new CD Detrevolution is the fucking bomb. Get it. Now.

I haven't been sleeping well this week, my body is fighting a cold.

I don't know what I want to do next in my music career. I think I'm gonna take a break for a month or two and honestly, I'm quite ok with that. Working on the CD is enough for now.

I'm horny.

Ta!

"Sometimes I go a little crazy just like U, I do." - 311, Creatures

What R U Looking At?

What R U looking at??? Um, yeah, that would be me U see up on your video screen!

I got an IM today from a friend who says he was chillin' at Central last night when he looked up at the video screen and what did he see playing but MY MUSIC VIDEO! I knew I was getting on a compilation promo DVD that was going nationwide, but I had no idea it was already out! It was cool cuz people there recognized me apparently.

This is only the beginning. Next step ... LOGO! Then, like Madonna said early in her career ...

"I'm gonna conquer the world!"

"Your dreams will open the door." - Madonna, Vogue

People Showing "Luv"

Just home from a LONG drive back from my gig at Cafe Ole in Trenton. It was pouring buckets the whole way, but God blessed us with safe passage.

The crowd at Q'Nite was light and mostly older, but WOW! What a great crowd! They totally dug it and had nothing but supportive and the most encouraging things to say. I sang a lot of songs from my first CD that I hadn't performed in a long while and they dug those, too. I don't think people have any idea how much it means to an artist to know they are really feeling what you're putting out there. It makes everything worth it.

The crowd was light but I sold BOTH my CDs to nearly everyone there ... and a t-shirt, too. Not only that, but I "might" have just gotten a gig at next year's Trenton Pride out of it. They were going to recommend me.

This was a great night. It couldn't have been more laid back or relaxed and I didn't have to work my ass off 2 prepare 4 it like I did for my show last week at the Poconos.

And Mr. Adorable accompanied me. Have I mentioned lately how absolutely crazy fucking nuts I am about him? Yup. Life is good.

"Time doesn't slow down 4 those who dream." - Im A Robot, Scream

Just How Gay Am I?

So, tonight I was part of research focus group. They qualify a few individuals on a certain topic then bring you in for an hour and half to give your thoughts and opinions on said particular topic. At the end of the night they pay you cold hard cash. I love it.

Anyhoo, tonight's topic was alcohol, Tuaca specifically. One of her first questions of us was:

"What kind of place do you like to go have drinks normally?"

My answer: "A gay bar."

Her: "Ok, I meant what kind of place as in is it a club? A lounge? A bar?"

My answer: "Oh, I don't know, anyplace with a lot of gay boys."

Her: "Ok, but what kind of place is it? What's the environment? Is there dancing? Is it lowkey? Is it upscale? Lowkey?"

It finally dawned on me what she was getting at and I began to answer finally like I had just a tad bit of intelligence. I then looked over at the other two very straight guys there and thought to myself, "hmmm, that one is really cute. "

Later on another question was:

"What's your marital status?"

My answer: "Oh, I'm single. Well, no, I'm not single, but I'm not married. Obviously."

I'm just too damned gay 2 hold a straight conversation. Is it sad or is it fabulous??

"Like a rainfall, won't U cum over me? I wanna go down ... I wanna go down ... I wanna go down on U." - Aaron-Carl, Homoerotic

Dilemma of the Day - LOGO

I've just left another message for x#1@lo5*). I've been trying to get my music video "ART" placed on LOGO for the last couple of months. I know it's all about the follow up, but I feel like it's getting me nowhere. Last we talked they had to "re-locate" my video and call me back. Now it's back to the voice mail game. Urgh.

My dilemma is how pushy should I be? I don't want to seem like a nut and irritate her because then she'll never put me on. On the other hand, if I'm not persistent then she'll never put me on.

It's like dating. You don't want to annoy the boy but U wanna let him know you're interested, right?

Should I call every day? Every other day? Twice a day? Every hour? Every ten minutes?

What do U think?

"I should make a move but I won't." - Monica, The First Night

Harry Potter or Scream?

So, here is the one sheet poster for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Is it me or does this look more like the poster for a teen slasher movie or something? Goblet of Fire, which is my favorite book in the series so far, is the pivotal novel and the most epic one up to that point. The poster, I think, should be more majestic, more ominous, more magical.

Well, AT LEAST, the trailers KICK ASS! There's like four of them and I've watched them all multiple times ... I think the international trailer is the best one. The music sounds more epic and they show more than the US version. This looks like this is going to be the best film in the series yet ... and it should be considering its source material ... even if they DID have to cut out half the story to fit it under three hours.

I can't wait until November 18!!!

"4th day of November, we need a purple high." - Prince, All the Critics Love U in New York

What Were They Thinking?

I know WTF Tuesdays are dead and buried, but seeing stuff like this really makes me wanna bring it back. I mean, really, what the f*ck were they thinking?

"I saw the sign ..." - Ace of Base (YUCK!), The Sign

In Memoriam

One of the most fascinating, groundbreaking and important figures in American theatre in the last century died on Sunday. Personally one of my favorites, August Wilson chronicled African American history through rich and compelling stories that resonated deep with who we were and who we are as a culture in this country. I remember when I saw my first play of his, "Two Trains Running", being so mesmerized and moved that I went out and just started reading everything I could find. My favorite of his that I've read so far is still "Joe Turner's Come and Gone". He will be sorely missed.

You can read more about this amazing man here and there's multitudes more info about him online, not to mention his body of work which consists of ten plays.

He will now claim his place in history alongside other great african american writers like James Baldwin and Langston Hughes (another 2 of my favorites, especially Baldwin).

He was 60 years old.

In "Joe Turners Come and Gone" one of the characters, Bynum, has this long monologue about a man with a light in him. It's an amazing monologue that I learned when I was in school and I'd like to think that maybe he saw that man when he left here. He was waiting there to lead him on to his next journey ...

"It's just around the corner, it is just around the block is love that I've been waiting 4, a love solid as rock, a love that re-affirms that we are not alone." - Prince, Still Would Stand All Time

A Good Sharp Pencil

Just a typical lunch time conversation with a co-worker of mine:

Me: Who uses pencils anymore anyway?

Her: I do! I love a good sharp pencil 2 write with.

Me: I bet that's not all U like to use a good sharp pencil 4.

She gives me an all knowing smirk.

Me: You can use them 2 erase because they have erasers.

Her: Uh - huh.

Me: You can bite it. I used 2 bite my pencils all the time when I was little. All my pencils would have all these little teeth marks in them. But you just can't do that with a pen. There's just nothing like having some wood in your mouth.

Her: I haven't had any wood in my mouth in a loooong time.

Me: Honey, me neither!

"Words. They cut like a knife, cut into my life. I don't wanna hear your words." - Madonna, Words

Somewhere Over the Rainbow, there are BEARS!

There was a bear in the woods this weekend at Rainbow Mountain going around to people’s rooms in the middle of the night and knocking on their doors. I kid U not. This bear had a lot of hair, a lot of belly and had been wearing the same clothes for two days. Not only that, but apparently he would jump out of the bush and yell BOO! to unsuspecting cubs and twinks.

This is just one of many strange sights I saw this weekend at my gig at Rainbow Mountain, a gay resort in the Poconos. First off, let me just acknowledge that I had a blast. As my friend Charles so eloquently put it, “after we got over our snobbery, it wasn’t that bad.” I guess cuz it was called a “resort” we had higher expectations before we arrived. I think for me it was just that I’d never been to any kind of outdoorsy, camp like resort or anything else for that matter so I had no idea what to expect. Mr. Adorable and I got to our room and we were nearly knocked out by the smell of old cigarette burns and musk. Then I had the dreadful thought that “we should have brought our own sheets.”

I DID have a lot of fun though. Everyone there was incredibly gracious and kind, in some cases a little TOO kind - the look on one of my dancers’ face when our host kept hitting on him and invited him up to suite 8 where only God knows what went on was so hysterical I nearly choked on my food. Yes, apparently during Bear Weekend there is this suite that has porn playing, a big bed in the middle of the room and basically anything goes. U were liable to see bears fucking, sucking, jacking or whatever. Nothing you would see in Yellowstone I can assure U. They also had community showers which were “encouraged” because of the lack of water. (There was a sign in our bathrooms advising us to “shower together” because it had been a dry summer and the water was dangerously low.) They did have a hot tub and I remember saying “Oh, I wish I’d brought my trunks” to which someone yelled out “U don’t need ‘em!” Uh – huh.

Then they had dog … excuse me … bear tags that you could wear. Red meant STOP! Back away slowly, I’m spoken for. (I immediately got one of those for Mr. Adorable to wear.) Orange meant proceed with caution, I could be in an open relationship, he might be here with me now and we might invite U back 2 our cabin. Any other color meant “Open season, I’m up for anything!”

While we were there dining, I began to wonder if we’d be performing for an empty house cuz there were not a lot of people out. After dinner, we went to the club, which looked like a barn on the outside, but once you got inside looked like … well, a club! But the stage wasn’t big enough to hold all 3 of us, much less big enough for us to dance on, so we adjusted and decided to perform on the dance floor. Wolf, the DJ, adjusted the lights and we ran over the songs a few times after which I was drenched in sweat, dehydrated and just wanted to lie down.

Three hours later we head back to the club. We go on in 30 minutes. And the place was PACKED! Not just bears, but gays of every variation – cute twinks, hunky men, old men, shirtless dancers … even lesbians! And they were excited to have me. Color me nervous, honey! They announced me and we just went out there and did our thing. All the songs and dances went off without a hitch. I started out with the dark and slow intro “They Don’t Know …” and then went right into “Make U Scream” and “Atlantis”. I can’t believe I got all the dance moves right in Atlantis considering I only had a day to learn it! I finished off the set with “I’m Coming Out” and they really seemed to enjoy it. I even got some of them to sing along. Mr. Adorable videotaped it for me and it looked and sounded pretty good. If I performed more regularly it could be even better, but I was very happy with the way everything turned out. I even sold a few CDs and T-shirts which meant I didn’t walk away completely empty-handed after paying my dancers.

The rest of the night basically consisted of me and Mr. Adorable holding each other, dancing, kissing and making out in the club. U know how it is when U just can’t keep your hands off of each other? Well, that night we made it official … we started using the “b” word … we’re boyfriends. For me, being there with him was the best part of the whole weekend. Having him there to cheer me on, support me, make me laugh and congratulate me when it was over … wow. I told him I can’t wait to see him perform so that I can do the same thing for him. But for me, the next gig comes on Friday in Trenton, NJ. It’s going to be much more low key, no dancers needed, but I have a much longer time frame in which I have to perform. Luckily, Mr. Adorable will be with me then, too.

The next morning we all had breakfast (perfect pancakes!) at the resort and then we headed back to Baltimore. It was a gorgeous day, just perfect and picturesque as we drove through PA with all the windows down. I had dinner with Mr. Adorable and his family before I went home, but when I finally did get home I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. While the show was a success, I didn’t get the response I hoped for, I didn’t sell nearly as many CDs as I hoped to and I began to think “am I really just too old and outdated to be trying to do this still?” The answer I came up with is HELL NAW! I think my next few projects will do better than DEVIANT though just because they won’t be so overtly GAY and EXPLICIT, I’ll be able to market them to a broader audience and won’t have to rely solely on my fellow homos, but I STILL need 2 push DEVIANT a little harder cuz I know it’s … different, but damnit, it’s good and there’s gotta be an audience for it somewhere that I just haven’t found yet. So, thinking cap … ON.

Maybe I’ll get together sometime with my boyfriend and we’ll do some, um, brainstorming. He makes me so ridiculously happy it’s sickening. No, it really is.

"They say nothing is perfect, but they don't know U." - Prince, Automatic